Sunday, June 13, 2010


I don't feel like sleeping tonight. Now that I have finished my cleaning spur which included emptying the fridge and filling a trash bag of things that I no longer want to deal with, I find my eyes closing shut and my mouth opening wide, trying to exhale the sleepiness from my body. But I don't want to sleep. I have too much on my mind to sleep. Too many thoughts swirling in that chaotic mind of mine. A blessing or a curse I'm not sure. What a wonderful thing to be able to think and expand the creations of the mind, and what malicious creatures we find lurking in the cobweb corners and dusty paths. And it is because of this "blessing" that I don't want to sleep. I don't want these thoughts to find their way into my dreams and turn what little pleasantness I conjure in my unconsciousness into a nightmare that shakes me awake. Should I be denied those small, sweet sensations of dreamlike quality? These things that I see in my dreams are of the things that I want the most when I'm awake. Except on nights like these. Nights when I know my loaded brain, that overthinks and overworks its already tired and strained synapses, will throw me under the proverbial bus. These are the nights when I long for the one thing I feel most denied to me.

Someone told me tonight to ask GOD specifically for what I want. But I've tried that road, and what I want belongs to someone else. Whether or not that was the best thing for me (I imagine it was better, but can we ever know in this infinite reality that is interpreted and stored by a finite brain?) is not the main focus of my thoughts. I think that I'm afraid to ask for what I want specifically. Because I know what I've been asking for, and it has yet to come. And on top of that fear, I think that I'm also convinced on some level that I don't deserve what I want. And that is one conviction that rattles the very makeup of my soul. Because how can one ever justify what one deserves? It will always be bias and therefore of no use.

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