taken from a november journal entry:
I don't want to be broken anymore. Why this thought at this moment is something I can't understand. I'm not depressed or emo; I was driving home from class, going to lov3 and I broke down. Tears streamed down my cheeks, the smell of wet makeup filled my nose, and words spilled out of my mouth, "GOD, please don't break me anymore. I don't want to be broken more. Please don't break me." Where did this come from? And when I got to church I kept asking myself, "What beauty is there in the brokeness?" Which leads me to wonder, is there beauty in brokeness? Or is there beauty in the repair? Or if there is beauty in the brokeness, is it hidden in the shattering of the pieces or the stillness of them? For if it's in the shattering of the pieces, then does that beauty itself shatter? Then would it too need to be fixed? Or if beauty is in the stillnesss of the shattered pieces, then can we only be beautiful if we are smashed and shattered into a million pieces? I guess both situations would depend on what beauty is? What is beauty anyway? It can't be universal, for there are as many opinions upon its subject as blades of grass in a a meadow, or grains of sand along a salty bottom. It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what if no one ever sees me?
"There's beauty in brokenss".
Ecclesiastes 7:3 says, "Sorrow is better than laughter, for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better."
I don't understand. Sorrow is better than laughter? A sad countenance makes a happy heart? I can't help but wonder if the Preacher was hinting at this beauty in brokeness. If we allow GOD to break us, we have an opportunity to grow closer to GOD. But must we be broken in order to do so? Why is that what it takes?
Mercy Me sang, "if that's what it takes to praise YOU, then JESUS bring the rain". I don't want rain. I don't want brokeness. I just want GOD to pull me into HIS embrace, kiss my head, call me beautiful, lovely, beloved, and dance with me. Do I have to be broken for that? But I guess a dance isn't going to fix it all. If there does exist a beauty in the broken, there must be loveliness in the repair. Maybe that is the time to dance with GOD; to waltz along the path of the galaxies in the sky where stars become disco balls and planets become ballrooms. Perhaps when you're broken, the only thing you can do is wrap your arms around the neck of GOD and hold as tight as you can. Is that beauty? External beauty external of yourself? I guess that in order to fully find beauty in brokeness, you have to realize and know what beauty is. I'm not sure if I fully understand what beauty is. And as for being broken, I don't want to be broken. I've had enough brokeness and enough sadness. I just want to have happiness come and surprise me. For GOD to come around the corner with a bow shrouded box with a tag that says, "just for you" and "with Love, GOD". I want a present from GOD, just for me with no brokeness inside.