Old Thoughts and Writings

Falling Into Autumn

Autumn
mother nature’s last chance
for a burst of beauty
before hibernation.
bedecked in hues
of orange, red, and brown.
her hair falls and
crumples into dust
under tennis shoes and hunting boots.
skin drying and hardening,
her own winter coat,
while a chill captures
and imprisons former
summer breezes
that smelled of sunshine
and freshly mowed lawns.
autumn has her own smell,
packed with pumpkins,
old school books,
musty attics of winter clothes,
faintly of snow.
hear her voice,
whipping and weaving
with the wind,
the sound of the hunt
on frosty nights
under the harvest moon.
she dances the equinox
to the rhythm of death
that descends in gusts
of grey and white,
rendering her frozen.


Fleur


a budding village
colorful
filled with people
like an orchard
in full bloom.

the women gather
selling fruit and flowers
growing, branching
out to each other,
a network of sturdy limbs.

her hands are smooth,
small
with short, but slender fingers,
hands of a sapling
prized for future harvest.

her hands searching for fruit
trace the curves of apples
lightly brush the plump oranges
grasps and weighs
the green banana bunches.

I watch her and wonder
if she is a pear,
that ripe womanly fruit,
her hands the stems
connecting her to the village vine.

Wondering out loud
she turns, startled
but responds,
“no, I am merely a flower.”
that young blossom.

Finding God

a breeze rustles
her hair
winding its way
across her face.

squinting into the sun
she raises her hand
shielding herself
from that which
seeks
to save.

she scans
the clouds
looking
for God
or angels
while her shadow
plays
at her feet
mimicking
changing
her appearance
while a world
searches and looks
along a wide path
filled with black shadows.

drenched in the son’s light,
orange in color,
yellow of Heaven
red of forgiveness
tinged with pure white
light
she feels
the surrender.

a breeze rustles,
a gentle hand
encasing her
like a vessel of glass,
but firm,
protective,
a father and
his newborn.

staring into the sun,
she drops her hand.
submission.

scanning the clouds
searching for God
she finds Him
smiling at her.

Image Bearer

i am
an image bearer
Your image-
Your face,
Your hands,
Your love,
Your attributes
i carry them all
as a mother
holds her newborn
counting their fingers,
toes,
tracing their mouths,
nose,
so have You
known me,
rejoicing over my
first steps,
first words,
shushing comfortly
when i fall,
holding my being
during my frustrated fears,
i become swaddled salavation
rebirthed by Your blood
and love,
feed me
in grace
and mercy
to satisify
pangs of injustice
and selfishness,
teach me to go
in light and obedience,
for then
Your essence shines
through my image,
the image i bear
of You.

Perfected Love

What was it like for Adam when he realized that he was alone? What was it like for GOD to look down, and realize that HIS creation was not complete? What becomes this notion of love? Is love merely feelings we have for someone both internal and external of ourselves? Is it comprised of our actions, our sacrifice?

Perhaps the most interesting that has come to my attention about love, is the how esstenial it is to humans. I always thought that our essence as humans, what makes us human, extended from our free will. We were endowed with the ability to choose, but the question becomes, to choose what? Material things? Moral choices? People? GOD? Does love fit under that umbrella as well? We have the ability to choose who and what we love, but do we have the choice to not love? Is there anything in us that would allow us to choose whether nor not we have to love? The Bible commands us to love our neighbors, our family, our spouses, the list goes on. It also warns us of things that are not the smartest to love, such as money. We are also commanded in Deuteronomy 6:5 to love the LORD with all our heart and soul, truthfully, all that we are made of. Looking at love in this context, it would seem as if love falls under free will. We have the opportunity and therefore the choice to love, but we don't HAVE to. How vulernable did GOD become when HE placed free will in the mind of Adam? HE knew that by giving man free will, HE was opening the proverbial can of worms. But how did GOD feel when HE saw that Adam needed a companion? We would like to interpert Genesis 3 "it is not good for man to be alone" as man the sex, but perhaps it means man as a whole, as a kind and not as a gender. In that sense, the verse takes on new meaning as we realize that woman should also not be alone, but at the same time realize that it could concern more than just mankind. Man cannot live without GOD. Does that ring true for love as well? Can man not love without GOD? If 1 John 4 talks about perfect love within GOD, then can we only understand love by looking at GOD.

I would feel safe in saying that we all have this vague idea of what love is and looks like. It is a parent sacrificing for their children, a man and woman vowing to stay together till the end, the list can go on. But does any of that come close to perfect love? Perhaps that is why John does not state that there is necassarily a perfect love, but that when we love as GOD loves, then HIS love is perfected IN us. Not by us, not through us, but IN us. John also goes on to state that within this prefected love, there is no fear. Why have we as a people become afraid of love? Is it because we have been hurt so often, that we build a tower to protect our heart, like the tell-tale story of Rapunzel, although we deny even a lock of hair to our hearts for which to help our prince climb up. Instead we expect Him to remove the bricks one by one, layer by layer, until there is nothing left to hide behind or in. The tower is the symbol of the fear we feel. Why must there be a tower? What has happened to our hearts that we no longer feel safe in exposing it; letting it be put to used, and overall loved? We're afraid. The love of GOD is not yet perfectly perfected in us.Will love ever be perfectly perfected in us? Will we as humans, overflowing with sin, ever know what it means to love without fear? To love as GOD loves?

However, I am far from my question of love and free will. How much of our essence is dominated by free will? All of it? Or is there a fight between free will and love? Does love overcome or side with free will in our passion to serve and obey GOD? Perhaps there is no answer to this question, and the only way to reconcile the two is to love because we have the free will to choose to do so. And perhaps to realize that we cannot choose to love GOD if do not have the ability to love. It is with this ability, that GOD becomes perfected in us. Its through our choice to love, to love without abandon.

shaven rapunzel

dear Heavenly Prince,

tonight i feel
down
lonely
sad.
i feel distant
and distracted,
estranged
and hollow.
i don't know
why.
i love You,
but i'm still
lonely
and distant.
i'm sorry
my prince.
why can't i be
the princess
You love
and rescue?
why must i
be locked
in a tower
of my own making?
please don't
leave me,
my prince,
my love.
i'm clinging
to You
my heart,
my valient knight
and honorable prince.

love,
your shaved rapunzel

easier love and reflections

Easier Love (12/23/09)

Your love for me
is unquestionable.
easier
than love here on earth.
each person
a lingering look
that questions feelings
on every level...

yet Your love,
shown with
spread arms,
open hands,
is without doubt,
is without fear,
without disappointment...

You are the stars,
the moon,
giving soft light,
bathing my face
in Your radiance.
You are the ocean
swelling around
my ankles and toes,
covering past footprints
of place I should
not have been.
You are a dance
in the renewing rain,
sliding down my arms,
in my hair,
soak You in
like the love song
You are,
filling my heart,
my soul
with Your love,
Your unquestionable love,
Your never failing love,
easier love
than here on earth...



Reflections 12/31/09

i bumped into you once,
memory adds tiny details
i don't fully remember...
like my breath
caught in my throat,
our eyes locked,
hands lingering
on shoulders
and arms...
a second or two reaction
engraved as
moments of eternity
when the world slowed
down to extend time
for a moment that
maybe didn't happen
quite as i reflected...

the beauty of truth

There is something truly amazing when you're doing what you feel that GOD would want you to do, and watching HIM work out the details. So many times, i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. if i'm following the correct path, if i'm minding all the details. my mind becomes so rigid and overwhelmed with the tiniest of mistakes, all of them deciding that i'm not doing what's right, what i'm suppose to do. however, then you see something that can only be the work of the LORD, and it brings you to your knees. But there is still this demon in my mind, that i'm still wrong. that this is not what i think it to be, and come the moment of truth, it was all a lie. so many past lies makes it hard to even hope for the truth. there is something about a lie that is completely devasting. just as the beauty of the truth brings you to your knees in reverence of a being higher more powerful than yourself, so too does a lie. a lie will drop you to your knees, then to all fours, making it hard to breath as it kicks you in your stomach, your back. if you had hoped to much, it'll knock you off your knees, till your face is level with the dirt. perhaps that is why so many times we fear the truth, because if it turns out to be a falsehood, we become that much more hardened. but if it turns out to be truth, how glorious is that moment? that moment of color and harmony, when the world is our friend, and we rejoice in all it has to offer. i guess its the old proverbial mountain and valley. however, how much more wonderful is the mountain that we watched GOD form before our eyes? maybe that is the most beautiful thing about the truth, the fact that it was created for us by GOD. GOD is truth, therefore, HE creates it. its beautiful, just like the CREATOR. and therefore, truth is beauty.

Awaken

sunlight creeps
touching tender tips
of her.
inhale,
chest expands
with first breath,
body releashes
with first sigh.

fingers on her face
touching nose, mouth, cheeks...
first smile
contentment,
suspended in arms
strong as mountains
old as love
beautiful.

tiny hand wraps
around Fatherly finger,
a forehead kiss
a protective look.
eyes open...
take in the face
of pure adoration
in this intimate
humbling moment
of a captivating creation.